DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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