I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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