giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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