Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
As shirtless as possible
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize