Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
