i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
