The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
