I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
