Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I need a beard to bite.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
