Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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