A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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