On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
