saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
