speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
