There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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