connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
