My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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