kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
