I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
