So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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