You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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