he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
