My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
So apparently I’m into choking now
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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