Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
