The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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