I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
