I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize