my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
