Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
