she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
