6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
