So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
