ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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