Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
