having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
