I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Fuck appropriateness.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
