her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
