btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
