a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
