He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
