I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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