I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
