I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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