none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
thus making me awesome and them whores
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize