I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
