If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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