Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
