I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
