dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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