just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
