bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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