before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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