Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
