You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
