i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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