What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
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