I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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