Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
