Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Randomize
