Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
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We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
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I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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