If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
