you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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