Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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